[Seagulls Cry, Ocean Waves Crash]
Uno, dos, one, two, tres, cuatro.
## ["Wooly Bully"]
# Hey, wooly bully #
# Watch it now, watch it #
# Here it comes Here it comes #
# Watch it now He gets you #
# Matty told Hatty #
# About a thing she saw #
# It had two big horns #
# And a wooly jaw #
# Wooly bully #
# That's right #
# Wooly bully, wooly bully #
# Wooly bully #
# Hatty told Matty #
# Let's don't take no chance #
# Let's not be L seven #
# Come and learn to dance #
# Wooly bully #
# Wooly bully, wooly bully #
# Wooly bully #
# Watch it now Watch it, watch it #
# Hey #
# That's right #
# Right, right, right #
[Ferry Whistle]
# Hey, wooly bully #
# Watch it now #
# Here it comes Here it comes #
[Indistinct Chatter]
# Matty told Hatty #
# About a thing she saw... ##
Freddie!
I dropped something.
Ralph, talk to him.
Listen to your father.
- From there we can see Cape Cod. - We were just there!
We could have stayed and saved $12.00.
Allen, don't you want to see Cape Cod?
You know where we are if you change your mind.
Allen!
[Alarm Bell, Whistle]
Oh, my God!
[Bell Ringing]
Thanks a lot. Thanks.
You okay, Allen? Lend me a towel.
Why did you do that?
Come on, son.
[Ferry Whistle]
[Woman Over P.A. System] Augie, pick up line four, please.
- Where are my cherries? - Mr. McCulloch,
they came in, but there was a fog...
If I don't get my cherries in 5 minutes,
you don't get your money and you starve and you die.
Jerry?
- Where are McCulloch's cherries? - They're here,
but you gotta take a look.
Ah, Mr. McCulloch, be right back.
Where are my cherries?
Augie, did you grow these under your arms?
Jesus, snails with stems. Get them outta here!
- George, get them out of here. - You got it.
Bauer. Thank you. Honey, what's up?
We get a lot of rain and cherries get slime.
- I can't hear ya. - You agreed to take these off our hands.
- When the hell did I agree to that? - Not you, your brother.
Ah, all right.
Victoria, I can't hear you.
What I'm doing is important, too.
My brother bought your slimy cherries?
Yeah. We were playing poker.
He had two pair. I had a flush.
He had no cash, so we worked this out.
[Tires Screech]
## [Car Radio]
Who put this goddam fruit here?
I'm all right, if anyone's concerned.
Good morning, Freddie.
Allen, Allen!
A simple "yes" or "no."
I made it. I'm in Penthouse magazine.
They printed my letter!
Listen, I'm very happy.
I'm in the Forum section.
The story's entitled, "A Lesbian No More."
They printed every word. It's a beautiful story.
I want copies for everybody.
Augie, good to see you!
Great game. We gotta do that more.
- Can we talk? - Great poker player.
- Cheats like a son of a bitch! - We have to talk.
- Missing petty cash? It was the cleaning girl. - I don't care.
You don't? I admit the whole thing.
I still don't care about it.
I love this guy! Do you hear me?
- Gimme a kiss. - Oh, Freddie.
Too big to kiss your older brother?
I love this guy's head.
Here's a buck. Wash my car.
Bauer!
Where are my...
Your cherries, yes.
Believe me, you won't be satisfied with what we have.
You're ruined!
Everyone's gonna know you left me dry.
You're finished, a ghost.
- How'd you like bananas at cost? - Deal!
Set up our friend with bananas at cost.
Allen, wait. I've got to get out early.
Gee, right. Today's the big day.
Ushers have to be early, too.
- I'll be there. - Okay.
[Woman On P.A.] Will someone get those Jonathans off the truck?
Any messages, Mrs. Stimler?
Yes.
What are they?
Huh? Oh,
your father wants you to call him back.
Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away 5 years ago.
Remember?
Right. Should I get him for you?
No, no. We'll... I'll take care of it.
You just get back to work.
- What's with her? - A little accident over the weekend.
Got hit in the head by some lightning.
It's not funny, Freddie!
I'm sorry. That's not funny.
Besides, she can still do certain things.
Like jump-start a car?
[Laughing] Jump-start a car!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What the hell are you doing down here? - Maybe I went...
- to the "Club A" last night. - Something new for you.
Maybe I met Mr. Buyrite, owner of Buyrite Markets.
Maybe we had a few drinks.
And maybe, just maybe...
we're his new produce suppliers.
I'm proud of you.
That's great! Which store?
Not which store, the whole chain.
I hope you are joking with me.
Think big, be big.
He was a colonel. I made up a story...
about you being wounded in Nam and he wants to do business.
He's coming this morning.
Great, Freddie. It's only chaos down here.
- Augie brings me slimy cherries. - So what?
- Jerry's getting married tomorrow. - So what?
I was drinking with this bum all night.
- I'm busting my buns. - East 77th Street.
- Come on, you can handle this deal. - Yeah, I'll handle it.
- Your desk looks like a pigsty. - I have a system.
- [Buzzer] - Phone for you.
Yes? All right. Thank you.
Hi, Victoria. I'm sorry.
I forgot to call you back.
What's the matter? Your voice sounds funny.
What? Now?
You're moving out of the apartment now?
While we're talking?
Yeah, I know we were going to talk about it.
Victoria, this is a little impulsive.
If we were married you wouldn't move out like this.
- She might. Sure. - Get off!
- Was that you? - Get off the phone!
I'm so sorry!
Not you.
Why not tell a guy you're on the phone?
[Door Closes]
What do you mean, "Do I love you?"
Well, I...
Well, we met and...
You moved in, didn't you?
Well, it's...
it's just a very complicated thing.
Hey, do you love me?
Well, there you go.
There she went.
[Woman's Voice] What a huge wedding.
[Church Bells]
Cindy, hi.
- How are you? - How are you?
Excuse me.
You look so pretty!
Darn! My flash never works!
Figures. My mother-in-law gave it to me.
[Allen] Get up!
What? What?
It was embarrassing when you were 10.
If something works for me, I stick with it!
I've been thinking.
I intend to get more involved with business.
I mean that this time. I know the business.
I was there at the beginning with Dad.
Do we sell fruit and vegetables or just fruit?
By the time I came home, she was already gone.
- Victoria left, huh? - Yeah.
You know why she left me?
- Because I didn't love her. - That bitch.
Hi. Anywhere but the 1st three rows.
- Anywhere but the 1st three rows. - Hey!
Hi, Freddie. Allen, where's Victoria?
She's sick, and she can't make it.
I'm sorry.
Hey!
Can you answer me why I didn't love her, Freddie?
She had everything.
She was bright, sensitive, beautiful.
Hey, Allen!
- Hi. - Where's Victoria?
She can't make it because of the flu.
- Give her my love. - You bet! Sure.
I can't even give her my love!
Something in here is not working.
There are worse organs not to be working. Ha!
Hi, guys. Bauer, where's your pretty lady?
She's not coming! Okay?
Do you want your money back?
Well, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.
- Hey, Allen. - She left me! My life's a shambles.
That's the news. Want the weather?
Anywhere but the 1st three rows!
Lighten up on the guy. That's the bride's brother.
Drinking is a matter of algebraic ratios.
How drunk you get...
depends on how much alcohol you consume...
in relation to your total body weight.
It's not that you had too much to drink,
it's that you're too skinny!
- Marceau, more drinks here. - No.
- Freddie, I don't want to get drunk. - But you are.
A sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
- Is he going to be there long? - I don't know.
- Oh, I'm on the bar. - You're on the bar.
Come on, off the bar.
This stool is in your way. Let me move it.
Oh, oh, you fell.
That hurt. You're not having a good day.
- Wasn't that a beautiful wedding? - That was.
It was. It really was.
- The most gorgeous ceremony... - A lovely...
[Growls]
- How ya doing? - Fine.
The fabulous Freddie Bauer here.
- Where did you get those? - My grandmother.
- She left them to me. - She did?
- They're beautiful. - Thank you.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
You guys are in love, aren't you?
We just met.
That doesn't matter. I know about these things.
I can see. I can tell.
You two guys, you're in love.
I think that's beautiful.
Thanks.
I don't live too far.
Let's go to my place for a quiet drink.
Do I expect too much out of life?
My dress! I can't believe this.
- I'm sorry. - Hey, what are you doing?
Both of you. You're both crazy!
I'm sorry. Look...
I don't ask that much, do I?
I don't ask to be famous, rich,
or play centre field for the Yankees.
I just want to meet a woman...
and fall in love, and get married.
And I want to have a kid,
and I want to see him play a tooth in the school play.
It's not much.
But I'm kidding myself.
It's never going to happen.
I'm going to grow old...
and grow lonely, and I'm gonna die;
and I'll be surrounded by a bunch of rotten fruit.
- No kidding! - Freddie?
Freddie?
Allen!
I want you to meet some friends of mine.
This is Tawny, and this is Jill.
- I'm Tawny. - You're Tawny Tiger!
And this is Jill, a four letter word.
- My brother, Allen. - Hi.
- Freddie, can I talk to you? - Absolutely.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back. We'll whisper some more.
I've got some whispering for you!
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Pack your bags. We're going to Rio!
They have a timesharing condominium.
We're gonna share some time with them.
No, I'm going to Cape Cod.
What are you talking about?
Why would you go to Cape Cod?
Because I like Cape Cod.
I feel better up there.
I look at the water and feel closer to something.
- Cape Cod over Rio? Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Let me drive you up there. - No, no.
- You got enough money? - I've got plenty.
- Yeah? - Thanks.
Can I have some then?
[Tapping]
- Where to? - Cape Cod, Massachusetts.
[Tires Screech]
You break that, you pay for it.
Well, I'm sorry. I usually enjoy...
smashing the glass with my face.
That's about 300 miles. You got the cash?
What is this?
[Crickets Chirp, Frogs Croak]
[Walter] Careful of that.
Be careful with that!
What do you think you're loading?
This is delicate scientific equipment.
Hold it. Put it down.
You see that? It says, "This end up."
Know what that means? This end up!
Why don't you try holding that end up?
All right, get away!
I'll do it myself. Get away.
Give me a hand.
Easy.
- Move that... - Excuse me.
- Morning. - Morning.
Ah,
I was dropped off on the wrong side of the beach.
Could you take me over to the island?
Well, ah, we're not...
We're not going...
We're taking the boat. We're not going out there!
- Have you seen anyone else along this beach? - No.
Just me and the moron twins.
We're not twins.
- What is all this stuff? - I knew it!
Who sent you up here? Dr. Ross from Chicago?
Who's Dr. Ross from Chicago?
Who's Dr. Ross? You're very good.
I suppose you're some harmless beachcomber...
who happens to wear a tuxedo!
How dare you try and horn in on someone else's research!
I'm just a guy...
Walter Kornbluth is not to be taken advantage of.
Just stay out of my way, sonny.
All right, let's move out!
A guy down the beach runs people out to the island.
What's the name?
The guy or the island?
I'll find him.
[Boat Motor]
What's the matter? You look nervous.
Yeah. The truth is, Fat Jack,
I don't know how to swim.
- You can't swim? - No, sir.
Then you wouldn't want me to do this.
Stop! Ah, don't!
Please, cut it out!
There's water coming in the boat!
I'm just having a little fun.
Well, don't.
[Motor Sputters]
What is that? What's the matter?
When I rocked the boat, I must have got water in the engine.
I can fix it. I'm mechanical.
[Hammering]
Did you fix it?
No. I'll go back for the other boat.
What?
Where are you going, Mr. Fat Jack?
Back to the dock. It's only a few miles.
I can swim it. I'll be back with the little boat.
The little boat?
I knew it.
I knew that guy was spying on me.
I want to go down!
Mr. Cornbeef?
Kornbluth!
Whatcha looking for down there?
Buried treasure?
Want to know what I'm looking for?
I'll tell ya.
None of your goddam business, that's what!
Get out of my way!
Let's pee down his air hose.
[Laughter] You get that.
Piece of shit.
[Scream]
[Boat Motor]
[Gasping]
[Boat Motor]
Ahh!
[Gasping]
Ah, gee.
[Bang]
Ohhh!
Ohh.
[Spitting]
Ouch!
Ouch.
[Moans]
Hello.
You have any idea how I got here?
Did you save me?
Ah,
do you speak English?
Hey! Come back!
Hey, come back! Please?
Just tell me who you are.
I've gotta talk to you.
Can I call you? What's your number?
I don't know how to swim.
I don't know how to swim! Come back.
Why didn't I learn how to swim?
Please, just...
[Gasp]
It's a mermaid. It's her!
[Shouts] Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Don't go.
Come back.
I gotta take your picture.
Hold it.
[Honking]
[Indistinct Chatter]
Hi, Mrs. Stimler.
Hi, what happened to your head?
- Lightning? - No, a boat hit me.
- Mrs. Stimler? - Yes?
- Nothing. - So nice to have you back.
Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.
The statue is a gift from French citizens...
and symbolizes hope for oppressed people.
Over the past century, she has seen the skyline,
which once she dwarfed, rise in mountains of stone and steel.
If you'll go inside, the tour will continue.
Come on. Here we go.
Let's go. We're backing up.
You've got feet, use them!
Don't touch my hat. Do not ever touch my hat.
That's it.
Up-up-up-up-up-up. Okay.
Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.
The statue is a gift from French citizens.
It has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere.
Bocci balls!
[Yell]
Hey, hey.
Come on. Don't be doing that.
Take a picture...
of me, Vinnie.
Vinnie, take my picture.
You get it?
You get it!
The statue... was a gift straight...
from French people.
Get out of the way. What's going on?
Okay, miss.
This ain't California. We don't go for this.
[Booing]
[Boat Whistle]
- What's your name? - She don't speak no English.
- And you do? - Here. She was carrying this.
What's this?
Who's this guy?
Is that enough? Do you want some more?
That's all we can handle. Let's talk terms.
- He doesn't have a clue. - Don't worry.
We'll move it out in the morning.
Bauer. Your brother told me about...
your unfortunate experience in Vietnam.
Huh?
The incident in Vietnam. Remember?
The grenade still bother you? You're wearing a bandage.
Page him. Hey, Al?
- Yeah? - Phone.
Um, excuse me.
Thanks, Jerry. Yeah?
Allen Bauer. Speaking.
Yeah. On my way!
I believe this...
Allen, where are you going?
Allen!
- What happened? - Telephone.
He was on the phone in Nam when the grenade went off.
Ever since then, he runs,
gets in a car, and drives away.
- Oh. - I don't know why.
- It just happens. - Oh.
Let's review this.
[Siren]
Pardon me. Excuse me!
[Bell Rings] Mr. Police Officer?
Hey! Take it easy.
What do you want?
My name's Allen Bauer. You guys called me.
Any of you guys call for an Allen Bauer?
Bauer. Yeah. That's for her.
Right over there.
Hi.
I take it you know this girl?
Yeah, I do.
Who is she?
I don't know.
Of course.
Afternoon. You're home early.
Yeah.
Uh,
that doorway spins.
Want to get this fixed, Timmy?
- Hi. - Hello.
## [Allen Sings]
# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a #
# Mr. Bluebird's on my shoulder #
# It's the truth It's actual #
# Everything is satisfactual #
# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a #
# My, oh, my What a wonderful day #
Room service. I didn't know what you liked,
so I got you a choice. Fruity Pebbles, pancakes...
No. No. No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
I've got to get back to work.
That will keep you company.
When I come back from work, we'll get some dinner,
and pick you up some clothes.
Not that you don't look spectacular in my robe.
Okay? Bye-bye.
No. Please.
You're gonna put me in the hospital.
It's about 3 p.m. I really have to get back.
You are wonderful.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[TV]
Things don't get started again until 4 p.m.
Let's not be so choosy with these onions.
Some of these are perfectly good onions.
[Allen] Everybody, zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a #
# My, oh, my What a wonderful day #
# Plenty of sunshine heading my way #
# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-a #
# Mr. Mango on my shoulder #
Freddie, dance with me!
Please, not in front of the teamsters.
- Come on, they're happy guys. - You're a rotten lead.
I've got the Buyrite contracts ready.
- Want to check them? - No.
You check them. You know the business.
- So I'm in charge? - Sure.
What about the lawyer's meeting at 8:00?
8 p.m.? That's too late for me.
I'm going upstairs and take a nap.
Wake me when it's time to go home.
# Zip-a-dee... ## Jerry, handle those for me!
[TV Announcer] Anne Klein.
Bloomingdale's.
Anne Klein.
Bloomingdale's.
The Anne Klein Collection, available at...
Bloomingdale's.
Can I help you?
Can't you talk?
- Bloomingdale's? - Sure.
Hey!
Oh, my God.
Darling. Darling.
Darling! That outfit, it's to die from.
What happened? You saw Annie Hall 100 times?
That look is over.
You want to try that on?
Who knows? Maybe it's you.
I couldn't get one leg in there.
My daughter is lucky. She's anorexic.
Please call again. Don't forget these.
Do yourself a favor and stop in the lingerie department.
A pretty girl like you shouldn't wear boxer shorts.
[Boy] Let me try!
[TV Announcer] Colgate Winter Fresh Gel...
And now, we continue with Capitol.
Wear the adjustable-angle mascara by Revlon.
Maximum protection in a great-tasting gel.
It's Crazy Eddie's greatest clearance sale ever!
Crazy Eddie's slashing prices...
on stereo equipment, video equipment,
color TV's, car stereos, CB's, phones,
disco equipment and professional products,
plus a selection of floor samples and demonstrators...
priced at or below cost.
It's Crazy Eddie's greatest sale ever,
going on right now with prices that are insane!
Crazy Eddie, 12 great locations. Manhattan,
the Bronx, Brooklyn, Syosset, Paramus,
East Brunswick, Union, Westchester, Westbury and Norwalk.
## [Humming]
# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah # Hello?
I'm home!
[Ding]
- I'm looking for a girl, Timmy. - $200.
No, the blonde I came in with.
- Oh, she left. - Any idea where?
- I put her in a cab. - To where, Timmy?
- Bloomingdale's. - Bloomingdale's. Great. Thanks.
Yo! Hey, taxi!
Hey!
Halt, taxi, please!
# She works hard for the money #
Come on, come on. Let's go!
# She works hard for the money so you better treat her right #
Excuse me, miss, we're getting ready to close.
She's been here for 6 hours.
Excuse me, miss.
I'm going to insist that...
that you stop doing that.
She's exercising.
Give her... a minute.
Sir, we're closing.
I know. Just give me 3 minutes.
- Come back. - 3 minutes. You can time me!
Oh, thank God.
Excuse me. Do you know this woman?
Yeah. Just don't ask me her name.
We've been trying to tell her it's closing time,
but she doesn't seem to understand.
That's because she doesn't speak English.
Hello, Allen.
How was your day?
I never went to college,
but wasn't that English?
Thank you for letting me use your TV.
It was very educational.
It's all right, miss.
What's your name?
It's hard to say in English.
Well, just say it in your language.
All right. My name is...
[Screech]
Hey, how 'bout those Knicks?
I'm confused why you haven't said anything until now.
- I didn't know English. - I see. Now you do?
I learned from TV. It's wonderful!
I'll ask questions and if you answer correctly,
you can win one of these prizes.
A wall clock, matching washer and dryer,
or a brand new car!
Let me go first, okay?
Who are you? Where are you from?
Begin when you were born...
and finish when you blew up the TV's.
Pretty.
Well, yeah. I've never thought about it before,
but, yeah. Are you from Cape Cod?
No, I'm from another place.
Yeah? I've got a cousin from there.
Ha-ha-ha.
Are you an American?
No.
Then why were you in Cape Cod and now New York?
How did the cops find you naked?
What's that?
What? The music?
I like music! I heard some in the TV,
Dance Fever.
# Hey, I love you, girl #
- # Darling # - Ah, hi, hi.
We better go, hon, or else we'll be late.
- You never heard music? - What's that?
Ah...
[Car Horn]
- [Crash] - Oh, gosh!
- What's that? - It's a movie theatre.
What the hell you doin'? You coulda got me killed!
Cut her some slack. She's from out of town.
Keep her on a leash.
Yeah, yeah. Have a nice day.
Hello?
Did you see this?
It's wonderfully delicious and so good for you.
While you're here, watch a little less TV.
How long are you going to be in town?
6 fun-filled days.
Oh, 6 days.
Is that all?
6 days,
and the moon is full.
Oh.
The moon is full.
If I stay longer than that,
I can't ever go back.
Oh, I get... What?
Is there some sort of immigration problem?
Where did you get that?
Where? Oh, for...
Sir?
Here you are, sir. There you go.
I'm going to have to call you something in English,
because I can't pronounce... What?
What are English names?
There's millions of them, I guess.
Jennifer, Joanie, Hillary.
Careful. Those are hot.
Names, names. Linda, Kim...
[Allen] Where are we? Madison.
Elizabeth, Samantha...
- I like Madison. - Madison's not a name.
Well, all right. Madison it is.
Good thing we weren't at 149th Street.
Are we going back to where you live?
Okay, um... Here's the thing.
I was going to find you a hotel,
but I figure that after this afternoon...
Well, I just assumed that...
Would you mind staying with me?
I want to stay with you.
You're the reason I came here.
Ah, that was a kiss.
I know.
Madison?
Allen?
Yeah, of course, it's Allen.
What are you doing, sweetheart?
Taking a bath.
Ooo, ooo. Can I come in?
No!
[Clunk]
What was that?
Madison, are you all right?
- Everything's fine. - Then let me in.
I'll be right there. I'm just changing.
Enough! Open the door. Something is wrong.
Allen, can you make me some pancakes?
Make you some... Madison!
All right, Madison, this is getting scary.
Either open this door, or I'll break it down!
- No, Allen, please. - All right, that's it!
Allen, no!
Ow.
Hi.
Hi. Are you okay?
Yeah.
Why wouldn't you let me in?
I was... shy.
You were shy?
After the car, elevator, bedroom,
and top of the refrigerator, you were shy?
I was shy.
She was shy.
[Garbled Shouts]
[Gasping]
Hey, B.B. Brain!
Yeah?
See this hose?
It's so I can breathe.
Uh-huh.
You want to get your chair off it?
Huh?
[Laughing]
The Star Confidential?
Yeah.
- Why are you reading that? - I don't know.
What possesses the uneducated to purchase these?
Interesting.
You're not helping yourself.
You're not...
This is not news.
Give me this. You know what's in here?